Being off my electronic leash for a few days, I now know how my dog, Buddy, feels when I let him loose in the park to wander. (And by wander, I mean "pee on and sniff everything in sight.") He feels cut off from the world and handicapped. He feels helpless and alone. He discovers that his thumbs are good for something besides sending intellectually-stimulating texts like, "Omg, the world's worst boob job is sitting next to me at the pool." (Actual example of text sent last week pre-toilet incident.) ... Or, maybe that's how I feel. Come to think of it, I'm sure how he feels can be summed up in five words: "Oh boy! Park! Squirrels! Butts!"
Of course, Buddy does the requisite amount of butt-sniffing while we're at the park. He's short, so the butt buffet is limited to small dogs and children. It was something I thought I should be mildly embarrassed about until I came across an article citing that America's Cesspool of Progressivism, Berkeley, CA, has commissioned an artist to the tune of $196,000 of taxpayer funds to make three "decorative medallions depicting dogs sniffing, dumping, and humping each other." Here's the least-offensive of the three medallions:
The artist says he's "showing what dogs do at the dog park." This begs the question: if we can see them doing it live for FREE why spend 200 grand to see them do it on a five-inch, yes, five-inch medallion? Of course, it begs the even bigger questions of why Berkeley exists and why I didn't take up medallion-making instead of writing.
On a related tangent, I also came across a brief Politico piece about Mary Matalin slobbering (figuratively) all over Dick Cheney's labs. The piece was titled "How Dogs and Politics Are Alike," so I was disappointed when I didn't find a single reference to butt-sniffing and a correlating picture. I thought a photo of Brian Williams going after Obama's behind might have been nice. He was already on the right level during his bow. That would have made his hero-worship complete.
You know what would make my hero worship of you complete? If you would vote for Buddy! I entered him in a weekly contest that offers cash prizes up to $250 for the picture with the most votes. If enough of you vote, I could buy a new cell phone and re-enter the land of the living, at which point I'll be more connected to the outside world, happier, and blog more. Everybody (mostly me) wins.
It may have been true at one time that a dog was man's best friend, but then they invented cell phones. If I can use one to get the other, so much the better. Help me win, and I promise to use my phone to post pictures of Buddy "doing what dogs do" in the park. Then, maybe I'll submit them to Berkeley. That should be worth at least one or two grand, right?