Cheerios As Drugs and Sugar-Coated Serial Killers

Some people are addicted to fun things like heroin or meth. The really lucky ones get hooked on gambling or sex. You know. Things that make people for feel sorry for you when you say "Hi, my name is [Insert Clever S.Logan] and I'm addicted to...."

Turns out, I'm addicted to something that until today I didn't even realize you could be addicted to: Cheerios.* (See the bottom of the post for addiction #2.) The FDA just released a statement noting that Cheerios are actually “a drug,” and who am I to argue with the federal government? It makes sense: That's why they're called cheerios. The logic doesn't stop there: cocaine comes in a clear plastic bag. Cocaine is a drug. Cheerios come in a clear plastic bag, therefore ...
According to a letter from the FDA, General Mills' advertising violates the federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act. The agency claims that Cheerios can lower cholesterol within a certain amount of time while providing cancer-fighting and heart-healthy benefits makes Cheerios "a drug" by FDA definition. No drug in the United States can be legally marketed without an approved new drug application. (Hat tip: Blackfork)
Huh. And, all that time I thought I enjoyed Cheerios because they were so tasty.

Excited about something new and ridiculous to blog about, I immediately turned to google to see if I could find any politicians who claim to have an overt love of drugs Cheerios. My search results were not quite what I had expected:

*"Jailed shooter excited about getting to wear his favorite color all the time." Too bad it won't be for very long since he is on death row and all. An orange-shrowd, perhaps?

* The Myspace headline of a guy who has branded himself as America's favorite serial killer. Adding to the oddity, his entire wall is filled with Bible verses, such as Philippians 3:13-14: "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal..." Somehow, I don't think that becoming America's favorite serial killer was the kind of goal Paul was talking about.

*The story of Kevahn Thorpe, “a fashion fanatic and a serial shoplifter for whom jail was not too steep a price to pay for the labels he loves.” Apparently, his brother commenting on his high taste in fashion said, “He got no hood in him at all.” Well then. I don’t know anything about the “hood” (at least not yet) but I am guessing he doesn’t have any cheerios in him either, which makes him irrelevant to this post, although an interesting six-page read if you click the link.

*"All we're saying is that many of the world's most terrifying serial killers are in fact roaming free, and could be outside your door right now ... I'm not worried. I'll just invite them in for a bowl of Cheerios and then have them join me for a Cheerios Anyonymous meeting. If they refuse, I'll sic my ferocious attack dog on them.

By now, you may have figured out what i was figuring out right about now: I had mistakenly googled "serial" rather than "cereal." It makes for an interesting five minutes on the Internet, but I don't suggest you make the mistake tomorrow morning. "Sugar-coated serial killer" isn't likely to get your day off to a great start. Although, as soon as you got your Cheerios fix, I'm sure you'd feel much better.

*I've 'fessed up to one addiction, I might as well admit the second. Big Sexy, this is all for you. And, for the record, Buttercup, that thirty-second comment was supposed to read thirty-hours.)

1 comment:

  1. I myself have recently been exposed to Banana Nut Cheerios...HOLY COW! That is my new drug of choice.

    It's much better than pot (you already ate so you don't get the munchies, and it's a lot cheaper plus you don't get that awful smell about you).

    Why can't pregnant mothers choose this as their drug of choice? The worst it could do to an unborn child is give them a little sugar high and possible have them come out looking like a banana nut bread loaf...