Swimsuit Fear and Self-Loathing in Alabama

(H/T to Hunter S. Thomspon for the title.)

My dear blogging buddy Jimmie Bise over at Sundries Shack has (not so) subtly requested that I post pictures of myself wearing everyone’s favorite summer garb – a bikini. Uh, make that everyone who didn’t just spend the last hour looking through the latest Victoria Secret catalogue. Those folks (me) may never leave the house again. And, if they (I) do, it will be to go to the gym and they (I) will be outfitted in a muumuu — a long-sleeved muumuu.

Don’t believe me that it’s that bad? Check out the photo below to see what I (and every other woman in America) has to measure (heh) up to. Don't get me wrong. I love me some Adriana Lima, but she’s fit to kill … meaning she’s so fit all of us women would like to kill her with an overdose of cheeseburgers. Okay, maybe just induce a mild coma.

Envy aside, here's your Rule 5 for the week. And, before you complain, all you're getting is a one-piece. My preacher father reads this blog.

Update: WJP over at the Liberty Drum thinks that I should join the Atlanta Steam edition of the Lingerie Football League. Maybe I'll try out ... and then in a show of comraderie buy the whole team cheeseburgers.


  1. Actually, what every woman has to measure up to is what people that care about her know she is cabable of.

  2. Ben Bussey23.5.09

    My replication instincts just won't permit me to settle for a bony pony - but it's the cream cheese for others these days. Let's look at History chil'ren and see why these ridiculous facsimiles of femininity are all the rage with the graphic t-shirt wearin', hair gellin' Beta boys of the roaring 00's.

    Immediately following WWII (the height of American Alpah-manliness in the last 100 years) the ideal woman had the curves of a 1946 Chevy - and people wonder why there was a Baby Boom!

    Times had been tough and real men wanted real women.

    Now that it has become fashionable to coddle and emasculate the American male we've turned into a nation of Beta males who prefer a Flockhart or a Lima over a Page or a Monroe!


    The last time women who had the physiques of 12 year old boys were en vogue it ended with the stock market crash of 1929 and the great depression.

    Down with the narrow hips and up with the glorious curves our Creator intended!

    As for my patriotic duty, I'm willing to buy any woman suffering from Victoria's Secret induced anorexia a big greasy All-American cheeseburger. Or two.

    PS: I'm not a cultural anthropologist, but I did read about it on Wikipedia once.

  3. I dunno, Suzanna. I prefer a real woman to a model. That's just me, though.

  4. Are you kidding? I've seen your pic at William John Perry's. You honestly think you don't look as good as Adriana Lima? Look again.

  5. Anonymous25.5.09

    Is Adriana Lima trying to steal your man again? No, then you aren't competing with her.

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