Forget waterboarding – let’s give ‘em all a SoyJoy! I’m pretty sure those things qualify as cruel and inhuman punishment.
Note: I’m posting this not because you care, but because I’m bitter and have a bone to pick with the makers of the energy bar from you know where. You see, Target’s having a sale on ‘em this week – 47 cents! And, since I’m such a sucker for good deals (it comes from being not spoiled), I naturally stocked up.
Good plan, right? Wrong.
The mango-coconut variety was so bad that I decided to call the customer service and tell them so.
Of course, I got a recorded response – their customer service reps were all in a meeting – probably scheming up some new way to make their product taste even more lethal. I was about to hang up when I heard this: “If you’re calling regarding an overdose situation, please hang up and call the poison control center.”
First, if anyone were to overdose on SoyJoys, it would have to be a suicide attempt so telling them to call the poison control center would be like telling Meghan McCain not to be a moron or Michelle Obama not to look like the poster child for “Diary of A Mad Black Woman.” In other words, pointless.
Second, if the person was actually experiencing an overdose of some less deadly substance I’m sure their thought process would be: “must *groping throat* call *dropping to knees* SoyJoy *eyes begin to glaze* before it’s too …”
Where was I going with this? Oh, right, I’ve solved the whole waterboarding debate. Instead of mock-drowning them (I still haven’t figured out why we’re not actually drowning them), we could poison them with a steady diet of “all natural fruit and soy bars.”
The company’s new marketing slogan could be: “Buy a SoyJoy, Torture a Terrorist.” It has a nice ring, don’t you think?