4.24.2009

Torture a Terrorist for Less Than a Dollar!

Forget waterboarding – let’s give ‘em all a SoyJoy! I’m pretty sure those things qualify as cruel and inhuman punishment.

Note: I’m posting this not because you care, but because I’m bitter and have a bone to pick with the makers of the energy bar from you know where. You see, Target’s having a sale on ‘em this week – 47 cents! And, since I’m such a sucker for good deals (it comes from being not spoiled), I naturally stocked up.

Good plan, right? Wrong.

The mango-coconut variety was so bad that I decided to call the customer service and tell them so.

Of course, I got a recorded response – their customer service reps were all in a meeting – probably scheming up some new way to make their product taste even more lethal. I was about to hang up when I heard this: “If you’re calling regarding an overdose situation, please hang up and call the poison control center.”

First, if anyone were to overdose on SoyJoys, it would have to be a suicide attempt so telling them to call the poison control center would be like telling Meghan McCain not to be a moron or Michelle Obama not to look like the poster child for “Diary of A Mad Black Woman.” In other words, pointless.

Second, if the person was actually experiencing an overdose of some less deadly substance I’m sure their thought process would be: “must *groping throat* call *dropping to knees* SoyJoy *eyes begin to glaze* before it’s too …”

Where was I going with this? Oh, right, I’ve solved the whole waterboarding debate. Instead of mock-drowning them (I still haven’t figured out why we’re not actually drowning them), we could poison them with a steady diet of “all natural fruit and soy bars.”

The company’s new marketing slogan could be: “Buy a SoyJoy, Torture a Terrorist.” It has a nice ring, don’t you think?

6 comments:

  1. You know what your problem was..

    you bought something nasty called 'Soyjoy'..

    ReplyDelete
  2. I swear I had nothing to do with this purchase...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Any amount would appear to be an overdose.

    That comment about Michelle... you can expect a visit from the authorities.

    One more thing... you would be HOT no matter how much you weighed, so lose the SoyJoy my Dear Suzanna.

    WJP

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey, my wife works for the company that makes SoyJoy!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Smitty - can she get me a refund? :-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous29.4.09

    Sue, you had me rolling! And you know, you should really stick with Genisoy bars. Yum :)

    Christy

    ReplyDelete