3.06.2009

Who’s Your Daddy? First come blogs ... then come babies in a baby carriage.

Folks, I’ve had an epiphany. Having a blog is like having a child—except without the benefit of a tax write-off or the obligation, er, pleasure of filling your wallet (or, would it be iPhone?) with photos of the little munchkin that you can whip out to make awkward elevator rides with strangers, well, even more awkward.

Note: The following (actual) scenario is entirely off-topic. Humor me for a moment, and maybe someday (or at some point within this post, whichever comes later,) I’ll return the favor.

*First: Cue the obligatory makes-you-want-to-stick-your-fingers-in-your-ears or go-grocery-shopping elevator music.*

Random parent: “Good morning!”
Me: “Grrmphg.”
Random parent: “We haven’t met before, but you have a kind face. Would you mind offering me affirmation that it wasn't a complete mistake for me to propagate the gene pool?” (Okay, so I’m paraphrasing. Trust me, it’s better this way.)
Me: “Grrrmphg.”
Random parent: (Digs their hand into their pocket, pulling out a photo of a young girl who, I’m sure, has a very nice personality.)
Me: Actual words spoken, “Aww, she’s going to be a heart-breaker!” Actual words thought: “Looking at this picture is breaking my heart.”
Random parent: (Looks disappointed that the elevator has arrived.)
Me: (Makes a mental note to blog about this some day after a life-altering PLM, then resolves to take the stairs next time.)

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

Where were we? Oh, yes, blogs as babies. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that the two are similar in every way. Just most every way. Once you begin blogging, you enter a veritable time warp (they grow up so fast!), then there are the necessary (checks clock) 5:34 a.m. feedings postings, and last but not least the joy you receive from watching it grow. And, by "grow," I mean habitually checking your Site Meter and announcing to no one in particular—because the room is empty—“Whoo-hoo! Two more pageviews ... Oh, wait, I think those were from me.”

Still, those reasons aren’t what led to my eye-opening realization that having a blog was a crucial step towards my bearing children. (If this progression from blogs as babies to my birthing children came as a surprise, then continue to the paragraph below. But, if somehow you sensed all along that I was burying the lede and that this post wasn’t about elevators, or blogs as babies at all, but instead about my rescinding my long-professed refusal to have children, then you and I--assuming that “you” are an unmarried male--belong together.)

To what, then, do my ovaries owe this change of heart? For three years, I nannied my way through college. During this time, I wondered why in the name of Capitalism anyone would ever choose to do something for free that they could do for money. Why should I populate the world with offspring of my own when I could just watch someone else’s, take home a check at the end of the day, and leave the lovable little monsters behind, to boot?

It turns out it’s for the same reason that I am writing this now. Since feeling the pressure to join the blogging world some years back, I often asked myself, “Why would anyone write for free when you can get paid for it?” So, I was content to freelance. Primarily, I wrote fluffy home design pieces (also known as “home porn” to The Other McCain). But, the voice was never my own, thus I never felt true joy at seeing the pieces published. All that has changed. Finally free to ramble on as I please, I now know what bliss it is to create and nurture something of your very own.

So, having embraced the opportunity to write words for free, the next logical step in my progression of free labor (no pun intended, really) is to have children for free. Which brings me to my final point (and the crowd breathes a sigh of relief): while my blog's baby daddy has already been announced, my actual baby daddy is still TBD. My vote was for Mitt Romney, but it seems he is already taken. I welcome your suggestions.

19 comments:

  1. The post title kind of gave away the lede anyhow. But there was always the possibility that some sort of horrific science experiment could have been involved (and I'm talking real B-movie stuff!).

    You seem to have just enough geek in you that the B-movie experiment was plausible until your reveal.

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  2. Big Sexy6.3.09

    Yes, Mitt is taken. But I have someone in mind.

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  3. S.logan6.3.09

    If you mean Stephen Colbert, I already thought of him, but it turns out he's already taken as well. Drat.

    Maybe you have "British royalty, the scion of a Texas oil fortune, or a Navy SEAL" in mind? "It's more glamorous that way than if you say [you have in mind] a 25-year-old Puerto Rican named Jason who works for a non-profit, eh?

    Thank you, RSM, for that.

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  4. Yes, Mitt is taken. But I have someone in mind.

    I do too! I've decided it's time for you to say au revoir to the journalists. Broaden your horizons and go for intelligence of a different genre. Of course, I can't promise a foot fetish or a Bruno's aisle of your own...

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  5. Dang it, Suzanna, don't drag me into this -- any more so than I'm already dragged into it. And has Jason sent those chocolates yet?

    I understand Beckett's heirs are thinking of licensing a sequel: "Waiting For Godiva."

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  6. I know of a certain twenty-something year old who just happens to be the son of a Texas oil tycoon and an English duchess. In addition to being a billionaire cowboy and heir to a title of nobility he just graduated SEAL camp. One tiny thing though... He's shorter than you. Hope that's not a deal breaker.

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  7. Little Sexy6.3.09

    I'm rooting for Big Sexy to pull through!

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  8. Uh, Mitt's a Mormon, so maybe you can convince him to get all fundamentalist, right? Move to Colorado City. Forget Big Sexy -- BIG LOVE!

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  9. Anonymous6.3.09

    So, is Jason a Navy Seal like Ann and Hannity are Navy Seals, or is there something we should know?

    -Christy

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  10. Dear Ms. Logan,

    Consider this a proposal of marriage.

    I am suave, erudite and sophisticated. I am well experienced in the ways of the world, amour and marriage (I promise I will get it right the fourth time). If you are interested meet me at Morrie's All You Can Eat at 3:30 next Tuesday - great early bird special.

    With fondest regards,
    Roy

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  11. S.logan6.3.09

    Roy,

    You are a man after my own heart. Macaroni and cheese and a marriage? It doesn't get any better than that.

    Plus, if things don't work out, we'll already be surrounded by gratuitous amounts of comfort food. What's to lose - except our girlish figures?

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  12. Little Sexy6.3.09

    Little Sexy doesn't think Big Sexy is gonna like Roy.

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  13. Very funny post. I wish you well in your hunt for a suitable husband and your future motherhood. The nice thing about blogs is this...


    No dirty diapers...

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  14. Susan,

    I lost my girlish figure about the time you first started thinking about yours.

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  15. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Sarah

    http://www.lyricsdigs.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Sarah,
    Thanks for the kind words and for keeping up with me!

    Cheers.

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  17. Anonymous9.3.09

    Suzanna,
    Wow you seem very bitter about children or maybe it’s the naked ring finger your so bitter about. Glad you didn’t watch my precious son and I’m sure that if you had talked like that to the people you were a nanny for you probably would not have had a job for long. Poor you. A nanny. The lady you spoke of is so full of joy over her daughter she felt like she could share that with a friendly face little did she know you turned out to be a child hating blogger with no heart. Any parent knows what its like to be a proud parent and wants to show everyone a picture of their little blessing I once knew a first time father that was so overjoyed with father hood he had his WIFE take a picture of the first time his daughter spit up on him that my dear is PLM and I’m sure your parents did the same and I hope one day you get over your issues and find a nice young man to what was it that you said oh yes “affirmation that it wasn't a complete mistake for me to propagate the gene pool?” and having a blog not the same as having a baby not even close. I have a suggestion. Tone down the I hate being a women attitude and act like a young lady. Guys kind of like that. As funny as you might think your being you are really stepping on a lot of toes. Welcome to blogging.

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  18. "Wow," can I offer you a valium? I'm sure you're a very nice lady but directing your anger at having lost your sense of humor gene (during childbirth, maybe?) hurt my heart. Oh, wait, it's a good thing I don't actually have one ...

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  19. Please tell me "Little Sexy" is not an appendage belonging to Big Sexy. If this is the case, the delightful epithet leads me to question the cockiness (pun totally intended) associated with Big Sexy. "Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?"

    As for “Anonymous,” I’m beginning to believe your grammatical skills went out the window with your humor (too busy changing diapers to laugh, are you?). “Your” shows possession; you’re= you are. …your so bitter about. What’s a so bitter and where do you get one? Punctuation is your friend. Get to know it on a first name basis. It’s like air… absolutely necessary.

    As funny as you might think your being you are really stepping on a lot of toes. Welcome to blogging.

    Uh yeah, welcome to blogging. Unless you’re Mormon (which I’m guessing isn’t the case since you’re online), you must have noticed the pattern in our media. Sex and controversy sell! Without [sex and] controversy, Britney would long be a has-been. Get a little If You Seek Amy in your life, I beg you. Maybe you’ll be a less bitter… err… hostile person.

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