Also, as you may or may not know, I am a woman. (A typo in my profile caused some confusion on this point early on that apparently my profile photo alone could not clear up. Don’t worry—my psychiatrist says I’ll get over it someday.)
As I see it, my ownership of an XXX (not a typo) chromosome made this day a celebration of me. Lest I appear ungrateful, I would like to thank women everywhere for their remarkable contributions to the world, without which this post would not be possible:
1) Food. It’s an indisputable fact that God created women so that women could create food—and babies, more on this below. He only threw in that stuff about Adam’s helpmate to keep the feminist masses (Eve) from revolting. Think about it, it’s no coincidence that each of us got our start
As a woman, not embracing your primary purpose in life (to cook), would be like my dog not embracing his primary purpose in life to pee on my bed at 4 a.m. last night, chew my favorite shoes, and look generally adorable while doing it. Sorry, slight diversion, I had to get that out.
2) Entertainment value, I offer blonde jokes, Lucille Ball, and this blog as exhibits A, B, and C.
Also, we can’t forget the pivotal role women have played in the construction industry. Without catcalls and whistles, what would these guys do for fun?
3) Wet dreams. And, by wet I mean bloody. I have this one recurring dream where Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin duke it out in a cage fight. Then, Palin pulls a moose gun out of her bikini and then, drat the luck, I wake up.
4) The Bachelor. Were there not 25 women willing to open up their tender hearts (and lips, and in Molly’s case
5) Godiva Chocolate. It’s no secret that men are not connoisseurs when it comes to the devil's food of the gods. Case in point? My father. A real man’s man, he’ll take a good ol’ fashion Hershey bar over a floofy truffle any day. Me? Like any discerning woman, I only accept the best. Please send all chocolate contributions to Birmingham, AL. Big Sexy, you don’t need the address – when it gets within the city limits I’ll be on it like a pig on a truffle.
Anchorman fan’s take note, please send all chocolate squirrel contributions to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500.
5) Babies. If you don’t know how this one works, please turn off your computer immediately (after reading my blogs as babies post) and do as Richard Spencer did: pick up your phone. Your mom is waiting to help.