3.11.2009

Breaking Up (with Fox News) Is Hard to Do

*VISUAL UPDATE, 'FOX NEWS CROTCH WATCH,' below post*

To begin our time together, I would like to offer you an obligatory heartfelt, “Good to see you again” and a great big EFF YOU to Fox News.

"Thou art a goodly conservative maiden why hast yourst ire been raised thusly?" thou dost inquire. (Don't judge, I’m in Shakespeare mode. I just played out a scene with my bed-wetting, shoe-eating, bundle-of-fur that culminated in 1) my quoting Midsummer Night’s Dream, “Out, dog! Out, cur! Thou drivest me past the bounds of maiden’s patience,” followed by 2) him shooting me a look that suggested he was issuing me a great big EFF YOU.)

As I was saying …

Fox News, you and I have always had a mutually beneficial relationship. You help me annoy my liberal-leaning friends and I help you, well, let’s come back to that later (and by "later" I mean "never"). But for awhile now, I have felt it might be time for us to go our separate ways. Please know that it’s not me, it’s you. In recent months, I have become increasingly disenchanted with your obsession with other women: exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F.

Then, there’s your moniker, “Your Fair and Balanced News Source.” It just doesn’t reflect your true purpose on cable TV. As a peace offering, I would like to suggest this slight modification: “Your Fair and Balanced Lust-Site-of-the-Right.” Use it with my compliments.

Now, I know that much has already been said about Foxs’ fixation on blonde beauties, but that’s not my beef. I like hot blondes as much as the next guy--assuming the next guy is actually a straight girl.

Here’s my deal: Shoving some chick’s half-naked crotch under the face of the man I (allegedly) love is Just. Not. Cool.

Don’t adjust your monitor. You read that right. (And you can see it right below).

Last night, during one of Jason Mattera, er, Big Sexy and mine’s usual (RSM translation) Danielle Steele-esque encounters—actual translation: long-distance telephone conversations—the following episode transpired:

Me (outraged): “There’s a crotch right under your face. Have I mentioned lately that I hate Fox News?”

Big Sexy (getting excited): “No way, where?!?!?”

Me (still outraged but internally pleased that his crotch radar was clearly failing): “Right underneath your Rep. Rangel video link. The headline says Cell Phone Sex Pics, Tuesday 8 PM. Oh, and underneath that ‘The Most Powerful Name in News.’ Classy.”

Big Sexy (now outraged): “I still don’t see it!”

Me (getting excited): Oooh, yay! Now, I have something to blog about!

In all it's maddening glory:





So you can see that I had no choice but to bring an end to Fox News and mine’s lust-hate relationship (i.e. I hate their obsession with lust). My heart will recover some day—and much more quickly, I’m sure, with chocolate, hugs, and a good strong dose of CNN.

PS - Happy one week blogiversary to me!

_______________________________

UPDATE:

Having stomached about all of CNN I could take for one day lifetime, I have decided to give Fox News one more chance. Like any suspicious girlf...viewer... would do, I'll be performing a regular "Crotch Watch," to be sure they're staying true.

Already, I am pleased to see they have realized that large, sweaty, basketball players are much more appealing to look at than the bottom-half of a nearly-nude female. America, you are welcome:



15 comments:

  1. Roger11.3.09

    On the rebound love affairs never go anywhere, especially if it's CNN that you're running to.

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  2. I hear PJTV has already bought her chocolates. Roger Simon knows people at Godiva!

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  3. As someone who knows Big Sexy all too well, I would have to say that he probably didn't mind having a crotch under his face. And, his outrage was not about said crotch, just that he couldn't see it.

    Talking to my man, huh? It's on! Jell-O Wrestling will be in our future.

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  4. Big Sexy11.3.09

    looking at the screen shot now, i have no clue how i missed "cell phone sex pics" beneath. Good thing I didn't tell my little sisters to go to fox's homepage. I definitely would've had to return my mom's phone call then!

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  5. Right-wing Jello wrestling. Fox crotch faces under the Big Sexy.

    How you're going to explain this to the Patrick Henry College Alumni Association, I don't know. But it is very imperative that somebody explain that this all started because I was trying to promote traditional family values. You try to help people, and next thing you know . . . where's Moliere when you need him?

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  6. OSweet11.3.09

    You better be careful talking tough like that, you're gonna get invited to be on Red Eye. The hot chick on the right providing the leg shots, natch.

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  7. Now here's my dilemma: do I make a Breakfast Club reference after your mentor's *shudder* comment or do I explain that I only (OK, mostly) like Megan Kelly and Julie Banderas because I was in law school at one point?

    How about this: MSNBC is playing right now at my place. Yes, I know that it's usually anathema to a conservative gal but doesn't that make you feel just a bit naughty?

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  8. Anonymous11.3.09

    Thanks for blogging on, As far as I am concerned, there can never be too many hot chicks on the right. I remember that a major dynamic in the leftward tilt of the 60s was that going to demonstrations was a great way to meet hot girls.

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  9. To expand on Anonymous statement, you can never have enough half naked chick crotches on the news either. Also more jello wrestling.

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  10. I weaned myself from Fox News back when it appeared to be the "All Missing Middle Class White Girls, All the Time!" station.

    I actually e-mailed Greta Van Sustren, asking her how they decide which missing teenage (white) girls will become MAJOR stories for a week or two, and why they never seem to bother about any missing non-white girls. To her credit, she e-mailed me back. Sadly, the answer was, basically, "heck if I know!" I'm so tired of pack journalism.

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  11. What is sad is that we had an incident where a nasty picture was passed from phone to phone where I teach. do 6-8th graders really need to see that stuff?

    Oh, and did I make you mad or something? One day I have a spot on your honor roll, the next day expelled...

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  12. ..er... sorry... I forgot to click BACK after going to view the enlarged image of that really sleek, sexy and all together tasty telephone.

    Have I been here all along?

    :)

    Sean~

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  13. Anonymous13.3.09

    Geez.....Haven't you realized the ppl want to see good looking women and men on the TV? Fox News plays to this angle very well. So what? There is a reason that they are the number 1 rated news station, and that you keep going back to them.

    About the pic of the girl on the cell phone.....get a grip. You lived in Cali, and I am sure you went to the beach. Why didn't you throw a fit about that at the time? Actually, I am pretty positive that you have worn a bathing suit and was that revealing. Do you change the channel when a Victoria's Secret ad comes on? It was a news story.....

    You should be happy that his crotch radar hadn't gone off.

    - Easton

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  14. Thanks, Easton, for the heads up that I need to insert a "sarcasm disclaimer" on every post because apparently (to some of my readers and I won't name names) it isn't clear.
    Oh, and, no I don't ever have to change the channel when VS commercials come on, because my television is now permanently set to the 700 Club.

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  15. Anonymous16.3.09

    Your blogs are very entertaining, and I enjoy reading them. Sarcasm is pretty hard to detect over a computer. It is the tone of your voice, and your demeanor that makes it sarcastic. I suffer from it all the time........ plus I guess when you hangout with a bunch of meatheads it doesnt help. I was referring to myself in that last statement.

    Keep up the good work!

    - Easton

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