To begin our time together, I would like to offer you an
"Thou art a goodly conservative maiden why hast yourst ire been raised thusly?" thou dost inquire. (Don't judge, I’m in Shakespeare mode. I just played out a scene with my bed-wetting, shoe-eating, bundle-of-fur that culminated in 1) my quoting Midsummer Night’s Dream, “Out, dog! Out, cur! Thou drivest me past the bounds of maiden’s patience,” followed by 2) him shooting me a look that suggested he was issuing me a great big EFF YOU.)
As I was saying …
Fox News, you and I have always had a mutually beneficial relationship. You help me annoy my liberal-leaning friends and I help you, well, let’s come back to that later (and by "later" I mean "never"). But for awhile now, I have felt it might be time for us to go our separate ways. Please know that it’s not me, it’s you. In recent months, I have become increasingly disenchanted with your obsession with other women: exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F.
Then, there’s your moniker, “Your Fair and Balanced News Source.” It just doesn’t reflect your true purpose on cable TV. As a peace offering, I would like to suggest this slight modification: “Your Fair and Balanced Lust-Site-of-the-Right.” Use it with my compliments.
Now, I know that much has already been said about Foxs’ fixation on blonde beauties, but that’s not my beef. I like hot blondes as much as the next guy--assuming the next guy is actually a straight girl.
Here’s my deal: Shoving some chick’s half-naked crotch under the face of the man I (allegedly) love is Just. Not. Cool.
Don’t adjust your monitor. You read that right. (And you can see it right below).
Last night, during one of Jason Mattera, er, Big Sexy and mine’s usual (RSM translation) Danielle Steele-esque encounters—actual translation: long-distance telephone conversations—the following episode transpired:
Me (outraged): “There’s a crotch right under your face. Have I mentioned lately that I hate Fox News?”
Big Sexy (getting excited): “No way, where?!?!?”
Me (still outraged but internally pleased that his crotch radar was clearly failing): “Right underneath your Rep. Rangel video link. The headline says Cell Phone Sex Pics, Tuesday 8 PM. Oh, and underneath that ‘The Most Powerful Name in News.’ Classy.”
Big Sexy (now outraged): “I still don’t see it!”
Me (getting excited): Oooh, yay! Now, I have something to blog about!
In all it's maddening glory:
So you can see that I had no choice but to bring an end to Fox News and mine’s lust-hate relationship (i.e. I hate their obsession with lust). My heart will recover some day—and much more quickly, I’m sure, with chocolate, hugs, and a good strong dose of CNN.
PS - Happy one week blogiversary to me!
Having stomached about all of CNN I could take for one
day lifetime, I have decided to give Fox News one more chance. Like any suspicious girlf...viewer... would do, I'll be performing a regular "Crotch Watch," to be sure they're staying true.
Already, I am pleased to see they have realized that large, sweaty, basketball players are much more appealing to look at than the bottom-half of a nearly-nude female. America, you are welcome: