3.17.2009

Baldly Going Where No Beauty Queen Has Gone Before

When I first received the tip from RSM, who is oh-so-fond of the double entendre, that Miss Virginia Tara Wheeler was “shaving it bald” for a cause, that she would be sporting the Yul Brynner look wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind.

Fortunately, after watching this video, my faith in the beauty queen—and my mentor’s taste, which has been somewhat questionable of late—has been restored.

The pageant princess has agreed to bick it for St. Baldrick's foundation, if she can raise $500,000 for cancer research by April 11.

I think her promise is commendable as are her motivations—which primarily center on shutting up the little brats who tease their hairless peers—but I think she can go one better.

Have the taunting kiddos mauled by bears.

Seriously. This wouldn’t be the first time. Think back to Sunday school. Remember the story of the two momma bears, one bald poppa bear prophet, and the 42 bratty children? Well, if you don’t, let me refresh your memory:

(II Kings 2:23-24)
Then Elisha went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and ripped up forty-two of the youths.

I’ve always loved a story with a happy ending. If I recall correctly—and I always do, except when it would make for a better anecdote—this was one of those “Momma, read it again!” stories of my youth. (As an aside, Are You My Mother? remains one of those “Momma, read it again!” stories of my adulthood because the line, “You are not my mother, you are a snort” is just so much fun to read out loud.)

Anyway, the point is that Ms. Wheeler needn’t settle for quieting these taunting, mean-spirited children by sporting a bald head. After joining the Brotherhood of the Bald People (I’m not making this up, folks), she should have them all mutilated by bears.

The best part (besides reducing the surplus population, which is always a commendable act)? She’ll have God’s stamp of approval. I think we all know right where He can put it.

Now, if she cannot raise the $500,000 and/or refuses to follow in the ways of the prophet, I am hereby officially declaring my intent to go bare and bear if one of two criteria are met:

1) $500,000 is donated to RSM’s tip jar so he can start blogging about something else.
2) The Big Sexy goes bald with me. (I’ve been after him to get a haircut for years, and this may be the only way. See for yourselves. The situation is desperate, and I'm just that self-sacrificial.)

If neither of these conditions are met? Well, I’ll still be going bare but it won’t be in the Yul Brynnnr kind way if you know what I mean.

UPDATE: I would like to publicly proclaim that The Big Sexy, despite the aforementioned hair cut, is still the most handsome 25-year-old Puerto Rican named Jason who works for a non-profit man I know. See for yourselves. Can we be friends again, Buttercup?

9 comments:

  1. You had me at Yul Brynner. Seriously, I am no fan of the musical but I could watch the King and I over and over and over again. *realizes this might not be something to brag about*

    Elisha, it should be noted, also ranks high on the chutzpah list. When asked what he would like for a parting gift from his mentor Elijah, he merely asked for a double portion of the great prophet's spirit. No mean feat that was.

    However returning to the macadamias and fasteners of the story, I think the goal is a worthy one, but I am often loathe to see folks center other's giving around some inducement. Hey give money to this worthy cause because we're celebrities and we say you should. Send me money or God will call me home. Pay me to shave my head. It's mildly narcissistic. (This coming from an individual who in neo-nazirite fashion has not let a blade cut the locks of his hair in almost a year, sample with the appropriate size grain of salt)

    Actually, this might be a good racket. Note to self install tip jar, rattle often. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Double-entendre? Moi? Vous avez un esprit sale, ma jeune mademoiselle!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Uh . . . what's the French equivalent for NTTAWWT?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous17.3.09

    As a professional is the field of hair and all that goes along with it, I also agree that "big sexy" is in great need of a hair make over!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Snort.

    (And yeah, that BS guy could use a new look. Let's just say that “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s..." line may've been referring to that hairstyle of his... And since he's going anyway (I trust that you're that persuasive), put this link in front of him, so he does it right... Why Every Man Should Go To A Barber Shop)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous18.3.09

    Repsac3 You got it right. I hadn't taken the time or effort to think of whose hairstyle BS was sporting, but that's it. Caesar's.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I saw the story on Fox this morning. Very classy young lady.

    And Don't you dare go Sinead O'Conner on me!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This St. Baldrick thing is makin' the rounds. I couldn't get there early enough to go to their local St. Pat's parade with my niece and nephew today, but it seems that while he was at the parade, my very cool 4 year old nephew met up with good St. Baldrick.

    According to his mom, he gave the thing some very grown up consideration before committing, and hopped into the chair of his own accord once he'd decided.

    The whole family couldn't be prouder of this little guy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh! He is darling. What a sweet story. That definitely warranted an "aww moment." Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete