Fortunately, after watching this video, my faith in the beauty queen—and my mentor’s taste, which has been somewhat questionable of late—has been restored.
The pageant princess has agreed to bick it for St. Baldrick's foundation, if she can raise $500,000 for cancer research by April 11.
I think her promise is commendable as are her motivations—which primarily center on shutting up the little brats who tease their hairless peers—but I think she can go one better.
Have the taunting kiddos mauled by bears.
Seriously. This wouldn’t be the first time. Think back to Sunday school. Remember the story of the two momma bears, one bald poppa
(II Kings 2:23-24)
Then Elisha went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and ripped up forty-two of the youths.
I’ve always loved a story with a happy ending. If I recall correctly—and I always do, except when it would make for a better anecdote—this was one of those “Momma, read it again!” stories of my youth. (As an aside, Are You My Mother? remains one of those “Momma, read it again!” stories of my adulthood because the line, “You are not my mother, you are a snort” is just so much fun to read out loud.)
Anyway, the point is that Ms. Wheeler needn’t settle for quieting these taunting, mean-spirited children by sporting a bald head. After joining the Brotherhood of the Bald People (I’m not making this up, folks), she should have them all mutilated by bears.
The best part (besides reducing the surplus population, which is always a commendable act)? She’ll have God’s stamp of approval. I think we all know right where He can put it.
Now, if she cannot raise the $500,000 and/or refuses to follow in the ways of the prophet, I am hereby officially declaring my intent to go bare and bear if one of two criteria are met:
1) $500,000 is donated to RSM’s tip jar so he can start blogging about something else.
2) The Big Sexy goes bald with me. (I’ve been after him to get a haircut for years, and this may be the only way. See for yourselves. The situation is desperate, and I'm just that self-sacrificial.)
If neither of these conditions are met? Well, I’ll still be going bare but it won’t be in the Yul Brynnnr kind way if you know what I mean.
UPDATE: I would like to publicly proclaim that The Big Sexy, despite the aforementioned hair cut, is still the most handsome